Losing

Losing myself is something I never thought would happen. 

I lose my patience in crowded places and my sense of surroundings after a couple stiff drinks. 

I lose my sunglasses like it’s my job and find myself ordering replacements more often than my bank account likes to see.

I lose my faith in humanity after reading headline after headline of mass shootings and political wars. 

Losing feeling, hope, and objects is part of the natural cycle of life but losing myself, who I am, is something I never anticipated. 

There were times I cried so hard I didn’t know where I’d find my next gasp of air. I would reach for anything around me in hopes it would soothe some of the heartbreak I was feeling and bring me back to a center. I couldn’t fathom the next moment I wouldn’t have a tear rolling down my face and the rise and fall of my chest wouldn’t feel like a chore. I was losing it. 

But losing myself these days has looked a little different. 

Now I am losing the parts of me that don’t benefit my future. I lost friends and family who refuse to support my growth. I lost my self-doubt when I looked in the mirror and told myself there is nothing I couldn’t accomplish. I lost myself so I could find myself again. 

Now I’ve found that losing patience and sunglasses and hope is still a normal part of life, but that losing myself is not always a bad thing. I have to lose parts of myself to find new parts that are worth my time and energy. Finding myself is also a natural cycle of life. 

So lose yourself over and over and over again, as long as you never stop finding yourself.